Tag: emotions
Sometimes I Am So Very Small
19 Questions
Sleeping Lie
shirtsleeve wipe the window grime
your bark weaker all the time
don’t see you but you’re out there I can tell
shaggy coat too far away to smell
back and forth, closer every pass
you think you see me looking through the glass
shadow of coal pacing hot
you think you’re gonna take me but you’re not
hand on the doorknob, I know
I won’t turn my back
I won’t turn my back
I won’t turn my back
for you
today
I don’t pace I don’t shake I don’t freak out
once in a while I can’t help but peek out
you’re not close enough to bite
you’re still there prowling my night
I lean against the door, I know
I won’t turn my back
I won’t turn my back
I won’t turn my back
for you
today
I hit the light your eyes glow red
you whimper and cower and duck your head
thought you’d come to me to get fed
I’ll laugh out loud when I know you’re dead
you used to knock me down, get on my back
work your fangs to hear my spine crack
worry my neck like you were killing a rat
you and I we’re way past that
kick that door open, now I know
I won’t turn my back
I won’t turn my back
I won’t turn my back
for you
today
Imposter Syndrome
The group of mad songwriters I’m hanging with this month have a thread with 100+ posts about imposter syndrome.
Every artist who’s ever created something they feel strongly about has also felt like a fraud. Who am I to pretend to be an author? Who am I to pretend my songs are worth your trouble to spend 3 minutes listening?
John Lennon anguished about his lyrics. Stephen King is, to this day, ashamed of his subject matter, still smarting from a teacher’s disdain for the junk he wrote.
I have reached a point where I’m confident about my song lyrics, and getting there about my books. Every smart writer I trust has said they learn to ignore feedback except from very specific people in very specific ways. Not the 1-star haters on Amazon. Not their Best Beloved (though mine is my first audience, but her one and only job is to smile and pat me on the head; we both know her job doesn’t involve anything like honest criticism, that comes later.)
I don’t believe in the anguished lamenting artist who must bleed and die to create. We choose to do this. On some level we’re driven to it; I don’t think I’d be happy if I stopped writing novels. But no one makes me do it, and a lot of folks never feel the joy of publishing a book or performing a song they wrote. I get to make art, and I’m happy about it. It takes work, though, to focus on the positives when Imposter Syndrome and Resistance strike.
Next time you see someone doing something creative, whether it’s performing in public or just sketching a doodle in the park, thank them for daring. They can always use the boost.
Run Away
Driving is one of my therapies. Though Best Beloved knows that every time I do run away, she’s coming along because that’s how it works.
We run away together a lot.
Needs a full band treatment to shine.
On the Eve of My Daughter’s Wedding
Five weeks ago, I was one of the most important people in her life. Now, a near stranger is the most important person in her life, and I’m barely a part of it.
It feels like death. It feels, inside, exactly the way it felt when my father died.
I know that, one month ago, she left, and she’s never coming back. She’ll go away and be part of someone else’s life, and we’ll see her now and then, but she’ll never really be back.
After all the years of stress and frustration and countless hours of worry and talk and tears, someone else gets to have the almost adult we created, and we get an empty hole.
It’s not fair and it hurts, and all anyone else sees is the angry whining selfish old man. Someone is taking one of my most precious possessions, and doesn’t even seem to care how I feel.
I’m scared and sad and lonely. I’m heart-broken over the projects we’ll never finish because she’ll go away and be part of someone else’s life instead of mine.
It’s not anger. It’s pain. That sound in my voice; the look on my face.
That’s my heart breaking.
Quashing the Need for Approval
Yes, we all need approval, and even if I try to quash it, it will live on.
But when I find myself slanting my writing specifically to elicit a response, I need to adjust my settings.
As of January 1st, I’m turning off comments on this blog. I want to free up some emotional energy for writing. This will help.
You already know where to find me if you want to chat. It’s not about turning off the conversation.